On Growing Up

I am grown up.

At least, I Think I am grown up.

I must be grown up. After all, I have all this evidence that supports it. For example:

• I have a full time job, the kind with benefits and everything.
• I have a house, and a mortgage.
• I have a husband,
• and two kids,
• and a dog,
• and a yard to mow,
• and a never ending list of responsibilities to live up to

Yep, All signs point to: Grown UP!

But sometimes I really don't feel so grown up. 

Remember this old commercial:

There's a new dad and he is freaking out about this huge responsibility that is newly upon him. Suddenly he is the one who has to say

     Don't eat that cookie on the floor.

And in his inner monologue he's thinking,

     5 second rule, that cookie is still good!

I totally identify with the dad in this commercial.

What do you mean I have to be the grown up. Don't eat that cookie on the floor. Why? Because I said so! Oh man did I just turn into my mother? But that cookie is still good. I worked hard to make that cookie. Don't waste that cookie on the floor!

Most of the time it isn't so hard to act the part of the grown up. But somehow even 1 full time job, 1 marriage, 1 house complete with mortgage, 2 kids, dog  and all the rest of it; Deep into this journey of being an adult; I still feel like I am faking it at least half the time.

It's like there's an inner war between what I know I should do: the good thing, the right thing, the adult thing, and all the other options. Some as foolish as eating the cookie off the floor. Others more significant.Half the time really wishing I didn't have to do the adult thing (get out of bed and go to work, wash more laundry, prepare more food...). Being grown up isn't always all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes, it's just a lot of work.

Sometimes, I am not even sure I am picking the right things to do, but I am faking it to make it here. There's no one else to play the grown up anymore. I am the MOM. So all I can do is be the best grown up (fake or otherwise) that I can.

I am the grown up. Really, I am. Please don't look behind the curtain. There's nothing to see there.